


Just A Swab

by therapychicken



Series: Going Viral! [3]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: COVID Testing, COVID-19, CW: mild drug reference, Comfort, Coronavirus, David Rose Loves Patrick Brewer, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Ice Cream, M/M, Masks, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, and that's all there, brief reference to David's storied past, but the important bit is the fluff, don't be like Patrick- please obey the signs at COVID testing locations, mild (and not particularly funny) sexual humor, scared of the COVID test, supportive husbands, terminal levels of handholding, wear masks everyone!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:55:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26837839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therapychicken/pseuds/therapychicken
Summary: David and Patrick go to get COVID tested for the first time since the pandemic began. Someone is kind of nervous.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: Going Viral! [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1851727
Comments: 6
Kudos: 78





	Just A Swab

Once arrived at the clinic, David and Patrick followed the signs for the COVID testing site. They were big and friendly looking in bright, family-friendly colors: _One Way Only- Keep People Safe!_ and _Masks Save Lives!_

"The apocalypse has come and it is _boring,_ " David muttered as Patrick went to the computer terminal to enter them in. 

"David," Patrick said in a long-suffering tone, "this test is going to be absolutely fine. They do like a thousand every day. It's like getting a strep test."

"So first of all, I know that, second of all, nobody likes strep tests either, and third, I was just remarking on the cloyingly happy signage." 

"Don't tell me you're not at least a bit happy about the fact that you don't have to deal with people walking down the hall toward you," Patrick replied, typing quickly. "What's your middle name again? And why do I not know it, considering how long we've been married?"

"Just leave it blank," David sighed. "And yes, not having to make awkward eye contact with people is always a plus, especially when all you can see of them are their eyes, and not having to do that weird dodging thing when people are walking straight at you, but when they sacrifice taste in the name of making people feel bubbly and safe, that gives a very 'we're trying to distract you from the collapse of society' feel."

"Well, sure, but we're in a family healthcare clinic. Temporary signage was always going to be either primary colored or a sheet of printer paper with instructions typed in Times New Roman."

David collapsed back into a chair in the seating area with a groan. "This is insane," he said, looking around him. "And worse, you can't even sit next to me. The next two chairs on both sides are blocked off."

Patrick finished entering them in at the terminal and turned around, brow wrinkling as he looked at the seating arrangement. "You know what," he said as he evaluated, "we are married and we are here together, so I am making an executive decision." He picked up the _Do Not Sit!_ sign next to David and placed it on the empty chair two seats down. 

"Ooh, my rulebreaking husband," David said teasingly, his dark eyes flashing. "Needed to sit next to me so badly, didn't you." He wiggled his hand over the armrest of his chair. 

Patrick rolled his eyes as he took it, lacing their fingers together. "I'm sure people do that literally ten times a day," he said, leaning back. "Parents with kids and such. All that's going to happen is that the person sitting in the next available seat is even farther from me than they would have been. Even safer."

"Okay, you do you, sweetie." 

Patrick squeezed David's hand. "I know that the way people described it on the news sounded bad, but this test isn't actually a big deal. And it takes three seconds, my mom was saying."

"Oh my god, I know, honey, I know! Your mom was talking to me also when she said it!" They did twice-weekly Zoom chats with Clint and Marcy; only weekly ones with Johnny and Moira, because both David and Moira had separately said that "you can have too much of a good thing." 

"Well, yes, but-"

"But nothing, I'm not even-"

"David Rose-Brewer and Patrick Rose-Brewer?" 

Their heads shot up as they saw a harried-looking woman in mask, face shield and gown looking at them- presumably, given that there was nobody else in the room, though it was hard to tell where she was looking through all the plastic. 

Patrick turned toward her. "Yes, that's us," he said, waving slightly.

"You two will be coming back with me to examination room five," she said abruptly. "And you're really not supposed to move the seat labels around, that's what the family seating room is for." She gestured vaguely across the hall.

David's eyebrows went up in amusement as Patrick reddened. "Sorry about that, ma'am," he muttered.

"Don't worry about it now, just follow me." She turned around and the two of them got up from their seats and followed. 

As they walked Patrick grabbed back onto David's hand. "It's really just a swab, you know," he said, a bit more quietly than before. "You don't need to worry, David, I'll be there next to you the whole time and it'll be over before you know it." 

There was a muffled sound through David's mask. "Okay, yes, thank you honey," he said quietly back as they followed the nurse into examination room five and she closed the door behind them. 

"Okay, which of you wants to go first?" the nurse asked, reaching into drawers and grabbing two swabs and vials. 

Patrick nudged David. "You want to just bite the bullet and get it over with, David?" 

"Sure, sure," David said after a pause. He took off his mask with the hand that wasn't tightly grasped in Patrick's and let the loop dangle off his ear. 

"Okay, now, tilt your head back a bit for me," the nurse said as the unwrapped the swab.

David tilted back, only to swivel his head toward Patrick as he heard him say under his breath, "wow, that goes up your _nose?_ "

"I thought you were trying to help," he muttered.

"Sorry, sorry!"

David squeezed Patrick's hand as he tilted his head back again, only for the nurse to interject- "are you all right, Mr Rose-Brewer?"

She threw the wrapper in the bin as David straightened his head again to say exasperatedly, "why does everyone keep talking to me as though I'm about to start screaming or fainting or whatever? I'm, like, actually fine here!"

"Oh, no," the nurse said, "I was talking about him." She nodded toward Patrick, and David's head turned to follow her. "He looks a little clammy." 

"What? Oh, no, I'm fine!" Patrick's voice had gone high-pitched, and he shook his head at David.

David sighed and tilted his head back. "Stick it to me, nurse," he said lazily. 

Patrick gasped " _David_ _!_ " as the nurse laughed. "You got it," she responded, and stuck the swab up David's nostril.

He grunted for a second, then relaxed as the swab was pulled from his nose. "Your mom was right, Patrick, it's really not bad," he said conversationally, wrinkling his nose as he put his mask back on. "Not comfortable, but it lasts like a second."

"Good, good, glad to see you're okay, David," Patrick answered faintly.

The nurse started to unwrap the other swab. "Okay, Mr Rose-Brewer- uh, Patrick- you're up next." 

David looked down to where their hands were still clutched together tightly. "It's really not that bad, honey," he whispered as he took Patrick's mask off with his other hand. 

Patrick closed his eyes, frustrated. "I know, I know," he muttered back. "I'm fine."

"I know you are," David said back, squeezing his hand. 

Swab unwrapped, the nurse ordered, "okay, tilt your head back, Mr Rose-Brewer." 

Patrick gulped as he tilted his head backward, only for his eyes to widen as the swab approached. "Wow, it looks bigger when it's right in front of my face," he said warily. 

The nurse's hand froze as David snorted, loudly. "Oh, honey," he said immediately before snickering again. The nurse was laughing behind her gown and face shield, if the slight shaking of her shoulders was any indication. 

Patrick reddened as he groaned. "David, come on, rea- guhh," and suddenly the swab was in and out of his nose before he could say anything. "Ow," he muttered, rubbing his nostril. "Seriously?" 

"Don't look at me, I have eighteen more of these I have to do today," the nurse said briskly as she packed up the swab and labeled it. She gathered the two swabs and opened the door. "Have a good day, boys." 

As the door shut behind her, Patrick rolled his eyes at David as he put his mask back on. "Seriously, David?" he asked. "You had to really read into that one, and it wasn't very funny." 

"First of all, no, it was kind of right there, though I grant that it was very lame, but also did it or did it not distract you?" 

Patrick groaned. "Okay, fine." He opened the door for David, and soon they were walking down the hall, hand in hand. "How did you know?"

"How did I know...?" David trailed quizzically. "How did I know what, that you were scared? You were holding my hand so tight in the hallway that I may still have the nail prints. Beforehand I thought it was maybe possible that you were just being annoying and you actually thought I was freaking out, even though I very clearly wasn't. I snorted cocaine for like ten years and got three nosebleeds cauterized, this was literally nothing." 

Patrick winced. "Cauterized...?"

"Not the point, forget I mentioned it. But, like, it's fine, it's a big swab up your nose, you're allowed to be nervous." 

They reached the front door, and this time David opened it for Patrick as Patrick rubbed at his nose through his mask. "Honestly, the part where it felt like it was scraping my brain wasn't even the bad bit- the nurse kind of rubbed it up against my nostril...?" 

"Yep. Yep yep yep. And you know what," David said, grabbing onto Patrick's hand as he took out the car keys, "I think I know just the cure."

"Let me guess," Patrick responded, laughing, "it starts with an 'ice cream,' ends with a 'truck,' and it's parked across the street." 

"You got it in one, baby, I'm so proud of you." David started striding toward the curb with his long legs, Patrick nearly running to keep up.

At the intersection, as they waited for the light to change, David stopped and squeezed Patrick's hand. "I really am, though," he said, "proud of you. You did great in there, even though you were scared." 

Patrick's face flushed. "Thanks, David," he said, and as they looked at each other they could each see the other's smile through his mask.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, yes, I love making Patrick weirdly afraid of totally normal things, so what? :) I've never quite gotten all the references in fics to David potentially being afraid of medical stuff- he had plastic surgery as a teenager, after all- and I thought this was both funnier and more in character, in some ways. 
> 
> I have been in medical clinics in three countries but none of those countries was Canada, so this is all based on my own experiences getting my COVID test done in the US. I also find it highly unlikely that they'd let both of them in at the same time to do the test, but such were the demands of the story, so... 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments, and of course, wear a mask and save lives!


End file.
